Working the corner... but not like that.

I sat with some lady friends on a corner and accepted cash... for parking. In our church parking lot. Rich people will spend more on parking for a few hours than I am willing to spend on groceries for a week. I am thankful for the exorbitant value they place on being a mere few hundred yards from fair food and art booths. The missions fund at my church is thankful as well. Trickle down, I say. Just trickle on down.

Sitting there was the best part. It was breezy. There were lots of little helicopters off the trees to toss in the air. I'm done student teaching, so I feel light as a feather. I picked the brains of those ladies... those mature, well-established ladies. Did you know absolutely everyone has a story... and that at some point, they have all involved simply figuring life out? Not in a controlling, self-sufficient way... but in a way that shows the faithfulness of the Lord to humble and redirect and correct and alter everything we've had planned...

Speaking of that... I have established relationships with some edgy kids... several of them live in my apartment complex... I see many of these kids at my grocery store, walking down the street, in the halls of our school... I've helped them write, think, speak, understand... it has given me literal gray hairs, and negatively affected several dear relationships... but if I could have written up a picture of the way I'd like to spend my life... this has been it...

Also, it is almost over. This stage. What a quick chapter it was. I am scrambling and pining and holding on to every shred as if this will have been my crowning chapter... my golden year. The funny thing is, I always think that... and I'm always wrong. The Lord is in the business of growing our joy... and he uses the most unconventional means... primarily, he uses himself... and then he throws in outrageous things... like a tall, wonderful man who happens to live in China... but that is a post for another day. For now, I am talking about the job search and these wild crossroads...

Rewind: back in college days--err, college round one--I sent an email to a dear friend. Her dream was vanishing. She was leaving someplace mysterious and returning to someplace familiar. She was struggling with love lost... hopes dashed... life becoming average... and I sent her a real preachy email. I remember it, because she thanked me profusely for it... which is a gracious thing to do. "You can never lose what you have given to Christ." and "The only sacrifice you can make in your life is when you give up what God intended for you. Then it will be a sacrifice. You will get less." These were not my words, friends... I was quoting various people whom I'd read... and I myself was wearing a waitressing uniform when I wrote the email... and I was cultivating joy in the fact that, if this was what He wanted, this life would be my joy... and here I am again... needing those same words...

Having consistently expended energy towards one goal: urban teaching, for the last several years... that dream is waning and my thoughts are becoming so... practical. And fearful. And entitled... sometimes even suspicious. Have I been tricked? Has the Lord let me be stupid? What if I don't do something amazing? What if I get a job out of necessity and my heart gets wrapped up in money? Lord, don't you see that I have been doing what will keep my heart in the right place??

Here's a thought: where is my heart now? There is so much that is telling about this stage of panic... I live for an image. Does vocation really determine the posture of your heart before the Lord? Also, if God let you make ridiculous decisions, could you possibly be upset with him for that?

Finally, there's this... this time has been a treasure. (Those of you who have had to endure me over the last three months will be shaking your heads in disbelief...) These kids are delights... they patiently endured the kind intentions of someone who was not really that good at what she was doing... they often told me to write people up... to have more backbone... they were right. I am so thankful for every perspective altering conversation and rigorous debate we had... I am thankful for a God who will lead my path, and those of these students who were "my kids"... even if ever so briefly.